Take Me Out to the Ballgame
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: A new doctor at Arkham Asylum suggests that the patients could benefit from a team-building exercise, and organizes a game of baseball with the doctors playing against the patients. He thinks this will help the inmates function as productive members of a team and of society in general. He doesn't know the Arkham inmates.
1. Chapter 1

**Take Me Out to the Ballgame**

Dr. Joan Leland was a long-suffering woman. She had been one of the head doctors at Arkham Asylum for the past ten years, which was reason enough to be termed long-suffering in itself. But in that past decade, she had observed little to no progress among the super-criminals supposedly rehabilitating themselves in the asylum. They seemed to view it as a kind of home away from home, a free hotel they could crash and spend a few weeks enjoying free bed and board, pay lip service to the therapy mandated for them, and then break out again. If anything, the problem had only increased during her time here – a few years after she started, a colleague of hers, a Dr. Harleen Quinzel, had lost her mind and ended up a patient in the asylum, the focal point of her madness an unhealthy and unrequited obsession with the Joker, which Harleen, now calling herself Harley Quinn, had convinced herself was love. Dr. Leland had been trying for a long time to get her to see the error of her ways, but Harley was one of the most stubborn people she had ever met, and refused to accept the truth even when the facts were staring her in the face. It was one of the defining characteristics of the insane, and also the biggest roadblock to their recovery: they were always sure they were right.

And as if being stuck for a decade in a dead-end job wasn't enough to define a woman as long-suffering, today Dr. Leland had to endure a board meeting with the other heads to discuss a new therapy option for the inmates. Dr. Leland was not optimistic at this point. She wasn't a cynic, but she was a realist, and she was smart enough to realize that nothing could help these people if they weren't willing to change their behavior.

Still, she couldn't complain, really. The inmates treated her with more respect than they did most of the doctors. She didn't know if it was out of deference to Harley since they had worked together, or if it was because she seemed to understand that there was no hope of changing them and had just given up. But either way, as she passed through the cell block, she was saluted heartily by the inmates there.

"Good morning, Dr. Leland."

"Good morning, Professor Crane."

"Greetings and salutations, Dr. Leland."

"Good morning, Mr. Tetch."

"Hello, Dr. Leland,"

"Good morning, Mr. Nygma."

She paused suddenly. "Where is everyone else?" she asked, noticing that they appeared to be the only three in their cells.

"In the rec room," retorted Nygma. "Watching some sporting event on the television. It's a riddle to me why those forms of mundane entertainment remain popular, but then I suppose it doesn't take much to hold the interest of the intellectually inferior."

"Where are you off to on this fine morning, Doctor?" asked Tetch. "I hope we're not making you late for a very important date."

Dr. Leland smiled. "No, I'm just heading to a staff meeting," she replied. "So nothing important at all, really."

"Any particular topic being discussed?" asked Crane, looking up from his book. "I do miss talking about psychiatry sometimes, but no one here is interested. The doctors insist on talking about my personal issues for some reason, and Harley invariably turns any conversation about her days as a psychiatrist into a long ramble about her love for the clown."

"You're welcome to go the meeting for me, if you want," retorted Dr. Leland. "That new doctor we've hired, Williams, wants to propose a new form of therapy for the inmates here."

"Callooh, Callay," muttered Tetch. "No doubt another nonsensical charade we'll have to suffer through. One would think, if the doctors believe us to be victims, that they'd stop inflicting random torture on us."

Dr. Leland couldn't respond to that, so she shrugged. "Well, at the moment, I feel like we're all in the same boat. We'll just have to grit our teeth and endure whatever silly game they want to play. Anyway, I'd better be going. I'm seeing you all sometime this week, aren't I?"

"Provisionally," agreed Nygma. "But I think it's only fair to warn you, I'm planning on breaking out of here soon and devising a series of riddles so challenging that not even Batman will be able to…"

"That's nice, Mr. Nygma," interrupted Dr. Leland. "I look forward to it. See you later."

She left the cell block, passing the rec room. Glancing inside, she saw Poison Ivy, Two-Face, the Joker, and Harley Quinn all seated on the sofa.

"Ah, spring is in the air, and you know what that means, Harley girl?" asked the Joker, sighing.

"Um…you'll be in the mood for romance a little more often, Mr. J?" asked Harley, hopefully.

"Nope. It means it's baseball season!" he laughed, turning on the TV. "The national pastime! The greatest sport of 'em all! I dunno why I love it so much. Something to do with bats, I guess," he chuckled.

"That's funny, J, I always pegged you for a football kinda guy," said Ivy, dryly. "A bunch of big, sweaty men jumping on top of each other seems much more your kinda thing."

"Yeah, but they cheat, Pammie," he retorted. "Like Bats, wearing all kinds of padding and protection and armor. Me, I ain't afraid of a little pain. In fact, if I'm in the mood, it's a whole lotta fun, right, Harley girl?" he chuckled.

"Mmm hmm, puddin'," she sighed, snuggling her head against his chest.

"Well, unlike you, I admit I watch it for the hunks," retorted Ivy. "Plus something about that uniform just does it for me. And these guys are pretty ripped. Well, hello, baby," she murmured, smiling as the camera zoomed in on one of the players.

"See, this is why dames shouldn't watch sports," growled Two-Face. "They completely miss the point, but I guess women do tend to do that all the goddamn time. Oh…hi, Dr. Leland," he muttered, noticing her.

"Hey, what's up, Doc?" chuckled Joker, turning to smile at her. "Wanna have a seat and watch the game?"

"I'd prefer that than going to this meeting," replied Dr. Leland, nodding. "But sadly it's mandatory."

Harley made a face. "Ugh, meetings," she muttered. "I remember how boring those were. Huge waste of everyone's time and energy. It's moments like these, puddin', when I'm especially grateful to you for driving your Harley girl crazy," she sighed, kissing him. "I get to sit here and cuddle with the man I love while Joan has to sit through a dull meeting with the other doctors. Makes me glad I gave up my career for love, I tell ya."

"Your career and your mind," retorted Dr. Leland.

"Yeah, but look at that face and tell me he ain't worth it," cooed Harley, gazing at Joker in adoration and kissing him again. "My gorgeous, precious puddin'."

Dr. Leland sighed. She didn't know why she bothered sometimes. Even when Harley was employed here, she had never been particularly normal. When Dr. Leland had first met her, Harley had explained that she had wanted to work at Arkham because she had "always had an attraction for extreme personalities," which would have set off warning bells in anyone's head. Dr. Leland preferred to think of Harley losing her mind as not so much a tragedy, but rather something that was fairly inevitable, which, in her professional opinion, it was.

"You should cut the meeting and watch the game, Joan," said Harley. "It's what anybody in their right mind would do."

"Like I said, I'd like to, but I can't," replied Dr. Leland.

"Ok, but you'll miss all the fun!" chuckled Joker. "I dunno why you work so hard to try and cure us all the time, Doc. The life of a sane person sounds awfully tedious to me."

Privately, Dr. Leland couldn't help agreeing with him as she left the rec room and made her way to the room in the upper corridor.

"Hi, Joan, how're you doing?" asked Dr. Johnny Bryan, smiling at her.

She smiled back. Dr. Bryan was one of the few colleagues she got along with, a genuinely nice man who, as with her, the patients didn't seem hostile towards. He had used to work with Harley as well, so maybe that did have something to do with it. She supposed they were lucky most of the inmates felt such affection towards Harley, to respect the people she respected. In her ten years working here, Dr. Leland had seen what happened to doctors the patients didn't respect. It wasn't pretty.

"I'm fine, thanks, Johnny, how are you? Ready for this?"

Dr. Bryan shrugged. "I don't think it's something you can fully prepare yourself for," he retorted, grinning. "Like an escape attempt or a hostage situation."

Dr. Leland nodded. They had both been involved in both. "Just keep calm and try to make the best of it," she said.

"That should be a poster in everyone's office," said Dr. Bryan, smiling.

Dr. Leland smiled too as they entered the meeting room. There was Dr. Williams, looking smug and self-satisfied. He had been transferred to Arkham by the powers that be in order to introduce innovative ideas on the treatment of their patients. He had been head doctor at a mental asylum in Metropolis which had been massively successful at rehabilitating their patients, but Dr. Leland was willing to bet that Dr. Williams had never dealt with anyone like_ their_ patients before. They weren't normal lunatics, and you couldn't apply the same methods to treat them, if treatment was even possible. His presence here was just for publicity reasons, to make the media think that the mayor was actually doing something about the problem of Gotham's super-criminals. But as usual, what made the big people look good meant yet another headache for the little people.

"Good morning, everyone," said Dr. Harris, the man who was in control of Arkham Asylum, at least nominally, thought Dr. Leland. The inmates were actually the ones in control, and always would be. Everything the doctors did was based around their wants and needs, and what was power but that? "I'm so pleased you could all make it. I'm sure you'd all like to join me in giving a very warm welcome to Dr. Williams, whose work in Metropolis will make him no stranger to any of you. Dr. Williams, please."

"Thank you, Dr. Harris," said Dr. Williams, rising and smiling. "Good morning, all. Let me just say I am sincerely looking forward to working with each and every one of you as we strive towards the real and attainable goal of sanity for all our patients, reshaping them from raving lunatics into normal, functioning, productive members of society. I know if we all put in the effort and do our best, this is a goal we are fully capable of achieveing for each and every inmate of this facility."

Dr. Leland and Dr. Bryan shared a look. Then Dr. Bryan scribbled a note and slid it over to Dr. Leland. She grinned as she read _I give him a week_.

She scribbled _I give him a day if he starts off with Joker_ and handed it back.

Dr. Williams had continued talking, and Dr. Leland tuned back in to his droning voice. "…with innovative methods of therapy, routes that haven't been tried here before. In Metropolis, the best progress was made when the selfish individuality of our particular lunatics could be channeled toward a team effort. There is nothing like teamwork to mold a happy, healthy mind, hence the popularity of sports in school."

Dr. Leland's personal experience of sports in school had been that they created petty competitiveness, divided friends, and increased bullying among those not as atheletic, but she kept her mouth shut. Reasoning with the self-important was like reasoning with lunatics – completely pointless.

"In which spirit, I am organzing Arkham Asylum's first ever baseball game, with the inmates on one team, and the doctors on the other. It is just the very bonding exercise this facility needs to wipe away the rivalry between its inmates and let them function as productive members of a team, preparing them for functioning as productive members of society in the real world."

Dr. Leland stared at him in disbelief, processing what he had just said. Then she slowly raised her hand. "Yes, Doctor…?" asked Dr. Williams.

"Dr. Leland," she said. "Excuse me for contradicting you, but I'm just wondering if giving homicidal lunatics access to blunt weapons is honestly a good idea."

"I agree with Dr. Leland," spoke up Dr. Bryan. "Plus I don't think putting us on opposite teams to the inmates will help in terms of their hostility towards the doctors. I mean, do we really want them banding together as a team against us?"

"I appreciate your concerns, Dr. Leland, Doctor…?"

"Bryan."

"Dr. Bryan. And theoretically they are justified. But in practice, this is a method that has been tried and tested at my asylum to resounding success."

"Yes, forgive me, Dr. Williams," continued Dr. Leland. "But your asylum might not have had exactly the same…kind of lunatics that we do. The patients here are all very…unique."

"Which is why bringing them together as a team is the best thing for them," replied Dr. Williams. "Making them tone down their own personas for the greater good. Isn't that exactly the end result we want for them?"

"But in this case, I think perhaps the opposite result would occur," said Dr. Bryan. "I believe forcing them to work together would only make them assert their own personas more. They aren't the kind of people who respond well to peer pressure. I think it's one of the reasons we're so unsuccessful with their rehabilitation – they all resent any attempt to make them conform. It makes them fight even harder, and become even more strongly determined to keep their identities."

"As I say, I respect your hypothetical objections," replied Dr. Williams, nodding. "But I have achieved real results with the patients in my asylum…"

"Well, Arkham isn't your asylum," interrupted Dr. Leland. "And Dr. Bryan and I have been here long enough to understand these inmates. I would advise you listen to us. What works for everyone else isn't going to work for them – that's the problem."

"No, the problem is that the doctors who have been here the longest have resigned themselves to the fact that their patients are incurable," retorted Dr. Williams. "Which is untrue. Everyone can be cured given the correct treatment. And the only way to find the correct treatment is to experiment with new ideas. Dr. Harris has supported this initiative, as has the mayor and city hall. These are people who realize that the situation cannot continue as it is, and something must be done about these supercriminals."

"Well, trust me, this is only going to make things worse," retorted Dr. Leland.

"And this is the attitude that keeps these criminals trapped in their endless cycles of violence and abuse. It's time we turned their energy and effort towards something innocent and harmless. This will be just the team-building exercise they so desperately crave."

Dr. Leland glared at him but said nothing. "Well, I think that's all that needs to be said," said Dr. Harris, rising. "We'll leave Dr. Williams to sort out the details. Thank you for coming, everyone."

"This is going to be a disaster," muttered Dr. Leland to Dr. Bryan on the way out of the meeting room.

"There's nothing we can do about it, though, is there?" sighed Dr. Bryan. "Short of hoping that Dr. Williams is right."

Dr. Leland did hope that. But she wasn't at all optimistic.


	2. Chapter 2

"I'm not gonna lie, this isn't the most promising baseball team I've ever seen," muttered Joker, hands on his hips as he glared at the assembled inmates. "I mean, I have, and Harvey probably has, but have the rest of you losers even held a bat? And I don't mean the guy who likes to jump off rooftops and beat the crap outta us," he chuckled.

"I have, Mr. J!" squealed Harley, shooting her hand up in the air. "I used to play baseball all the time with the other kids back in Brooklyn!"

"It's better than nothing," said Joker, nodding. "What about you, Pammie?"

"I'm a fast learner," retorted Ivy. "Especially if it involves hitting things."

"What about you, Crocky old boy?" asked Joker, turning to Killer Croc, who was staring around the dugout as if unsure where he was.

"Huh?" he asked.

"Baseball. You ever played it?" asked Joker, holding up the ball.

"Baseball?" he repeated

"Yeah. Base. Ball," enunciated Joker, slowly. "Hit ball with bat…"

"Bat?" repeated Croc, starting to his feet furiously. "Where?"

"No, this kinda bat!" snapped Joker, holding it up. "Though I gotta admit, I wish we were hitting the real Bat."

"Bat," repeated Croc.

"Yeah, this kinda bat," said Joker, handing it to him. "Jesus, I'm gonna spend the rest of my life having this conversation," he muttered. "Hit ball with bat…"

"Bat!"

"Stick. We're gonna call it a stick. Hit ball with stick. Catch ball with glove. Ring any bells, Einstein?"

"Nuh uh," retorted Croc.

"Well, that's ok," sighed Joker. "I'm sure with a little practice, you could make a pretty good pitcher or batter…"

"Bat?"

"…well, I can't call it a sticker, can I? Nah, we're gonna go back to using bat. It's funnier that way. Croc, just beat it before you get any more confused and hurt yourself."

"Ok," replied Croc, rising and leaving the dugout.

"Harvey, since you've played before, why don't you go see if Croc has any natural talent at hitting or pitching? I could really use a good pitcher," muttered Joker. "And Harley, why don't you take Pammie for some practice? I'll deal with the rest of these lamewads myself," he said, glaring at Crane, Tetch, and Nygma, who looked beyond terrified at having to play a sport, especially one coached by the Joker.

"So, I don't suppose any of you losers has ever played a sport before?" asked Joker. "You were clearly nerds at school and obviously nothing's changed."

"I don't exactly see you as jock material, Joker," retorted Nygma.

"Well, I don't really remember school, but I can guarantee you I didn't found the chess club," said Joker.

"I founded the chess club at my school," said Tetch. "And everytime I played and moved the White Knight, I recited his poem from _Through the Looking Glass_."

"Yeah? How long did they hold your head down the toilet for that one?" asked Joker.

Tetch was silent. "Well, I ended up controlling their tiny minds, so who cares?" he snapped.

"Ok, well listen to Coach Joker," said Joker, leaning forward. "We're gonna go do some baseball practice. And every time you losers miss hitting the ball I'm gonna pitch at ya, you're gonna get a bat across your kneecaps. And I ain't talking about the flying rodent we all know and love. Get it?"

They all three nodded. "Crane, you're batting first," snapped Joker, grabbing his arm and dragging him out of the dugout. "Nygma, Tetch, you two are gonna catch any balls he manages to hit. If you miss, bat across your kneecaps, not the flying rodent, yada, yada, yada, let's go."

"I'm surprised they're actually practicing," commented Dr. Leland, watching the three groups on the playing field from her window. "I'd have assumed they'd have just grabbed the bats and run."

"I imagine Joker thinks it's some form of big joke," said Dr. Bryan. "You know how much he enjoys his games, and the others will go along with what he says. I'm sure he's planning a surprise for the big day, never fear."

"Yeah. What do you think we should do about that?" sighed Dr. Leland. "Can we prepare somehow?"

Dr. Bryan shrugged. "Like you said at the meeting, keep calm and make the best of it. That's all we can do. Anyway, I'm sure Harley will give us some warning. She usually does."

"She's a sweet girl," agreed Dr. Leland. "I mean, for a homicidal lunatic. Shame she's attached herself to that monster."

"A crying shame," nodded Dr. Bryan.

They heard a scream and rushed to the window. "You gotta keep your eye on the ball, Crane, or it'll keep hurting!" Joker was shouting. "And stop being such a girl – kneecaps heal quicker than you think."

"We'd better get the guards," muttered Dr. Leland, heading for the door. "I told Dr. Williams it wasn't a good idea to give them blunt objects!"

"What did I say I'd do if you didn't catch the ball, Eddie?! What did I say?!" Joker was shouting, beating Nygma over the head with the bat.

"You said kneecaps!" cried Nygma.

"I changed my mind!" yelled Joker. "I'm the coach – I can do that!"

The guards who had rushed onto the field seized the bat from him, closely followed by Dr. Leland and Dr. Bryan. "Hey! How am I meant to practice without that?" demanded Joker.

"Don't T-ball leagues have padded bats?" asked Dr. Bryan. "Is there any way we can find them some of those?"

"Dr. Williams won't want to splash out for new ones," retorted Dr. Leland.

"We could always ask him," said Dr. Bryan, nodding as Dr. Williams appeared on the field.

"Ah, good to see that the patients are proving my point and working quietly together as a team in a healthy, productive manner," said Dr. Williams, smiling. He noticed Crane and Nygma bleeding on the ground and frowned in confusion. "Did you two fall down?"

"No, they were beaten by a bat," retorted Dr. Leland, handing it to Dr. Williams.

"And not the Caped Crusader, surprisingly," chuckled Joker. "Although he usually does more damage than I do."

Dr. Williams stared at him. "You must be the famous Joker," he said.

"In the flesh. You must be the new doctor who suggested this wonderful baseball gag," said Joker, grinning. "Gotta hand it to you, Doc, it's a real killer. Or it will be," he giggled.

"I'm glad to find you so enthusiastic," retorted Dr. Williams.

"Oh, I'm always enthusiastic with things involving bats," chuckled Joker. "Ain't you read my file? You can ask Dr. Leland – it's a real unhealthy obsession of mine."

"We were wondering if the inmates could be given safer bats," said Dr. Leland. "Ones with padding, perhaps."

"I'm sure that's not necessary," retorted Dr. Williams. "If you change the rules of the game because of a few thugs, you're letting the thugs win. And I believe in standing up to bullies whenever possible. You have to show them that their behavior is not acceptable, through harsh, firm discipline, if necessary."

"Oooh, I like the way you talk, Doc," chuckled Joker. "I'm a big fan of discipline myself - ain't that right, Harley girl?"

"That's right, Mr. J," she sighed, as she and Ivy came over to join the group.

"Dr. Quinzel. Good to see you again," said Dr. Williams, nodding.

Harley stared at him. "Oh…hi. Have we met before?"

"Psychiatry conference in Metropolis, a good few years ago now," replied Dr. Williams. "Dr. Williams? I spoke about the fallacy of the incurable lunatic?"

"Oh…yeah, now that you mention it, I kinda remember," said Harley, nodding. "You were at the party afterwards, weren't you? You bought me that drink I accidentally spilled down that waiter?"

"That's right, yes," replied Dr. Williams, smiling.

"And then you tried to stick your hand down my top," continued Harley. "Yeah, it's all coming back to me now!"

Everyone stared from her to Dr. Williams, whose face immediately fell. "He did what?" growled Joker.

"Well, he'd had a few," retorted Harley, shrugging.

"What did you do, Harley?" asked Ivy.

"I did what I do to all guys who ain't Mr. J and try to get fresh with me," snapped Harley. "I slapped him across the face and kicked him in the nuts. Last I saw of you, you were huddled on the floor in a heap. But don't worry, Doc, it's fine. I'd genuinely forgotten all about it until you just brought it up."

"Yes…well…lovely to see you again, Dr. Quinzel," stammered Dr. Williams. "But I must be going."

"Doc," muttered Joker, grabbing his arm and turning him around to face him. He didn't say a word, but pointed at himself, then Harley, then his eyes, then Dr. Williams, and then drew his finger across his throat. "Get me?" he murmured, dangerously.

"Yes, must be going," repeated Dr. Williams, hastily. "Goodbye."

"Mr. J, you didn't need to scare him like that," said Harley. "It wasn't anything serious, really. You know how guys get when they drink."

"That's no excuse for touching my stuff," growled Joker.

"I hadn't even met you then, puddin'," replied Harley.

"So? You were still mine," he retorted.

Harley beamed at him. "I sure was, Mr. J," she breathed. "I always have been and I always will be your Harley girl, forever and ever."

"Look, just get offa me, would ya?" he demanded, shoving her away. "And gimme the goddamn bat, Doc. I got a team to coach," he muttered, storming over to where Two-Face and Croc were still practicing.

Harley giggled. "He's so cute when he's jealous," she sighed. "If I didn't love him so much, I'd flirt with other guys so he'd be jealous more often. But I don't really wanna flirt with other guys because I got Mr. J, who's just the greatest guy in the whole world!"

"Stop gushing now before I hit you with a bat," muttered Ivy. "Can we get back to practicing?"

"Sure thing, Red," sighed Harley. "Oh, Joan and Johnny, just to give you fair warning, keep your eyes on me at the big game. When I give you a sign, take cover. Just in case something happens…y'know…it might be a good idea. See you later!"

She bounced off with Ivy following her. Dr. Leland and Dr. Bryan shared a look. "Keep calm and try to make the best of it?" suggested Dr. Leland.

"Precisely," replied Dr. Bryan.


	3. Chapter 3

"All right, we're fielding first because Harvey lost the coin toss," muttered Joker, re-entering the dugout with Two-Face behind him. "You'd think he'd have enough practice to be able to call it right, but no."

"It's all luck, J," growled Two-Face. "And she's a real bitch sometimes. Just like a dame."

"Serves you right for being a slave to a woman," retorted Joker. "Me, I take luck and slap her around some, and now she does what I say, just like my Harley girl. Who is just a picture in her cute little outfit," he said, grinning. "C'mon, sweets, turn around for Daddy."

Harley squeaked happily, standing up and modeling her baseball uniform. Joker whistled. "Wouldn't mind slamming a few hard line drives into that," he chuckled.

"If you wanna have a quickie behind the dugout, I'm up for it, puddin'," she breathed.

"You don't have time for that," snapped Ivy. "Can you just give us our positions, J?"

"Somebody's jealous, Pammie," chuckled Joker. "If it makes you feel better, you look nice too. You're right, there's just something about the uniform that makes people more attractive."

"Yeah…it doesn't work for all guys," replied Ivy, glaring at him.

"I'm surprised they found one that could fit Croc," commented Two-Face.

"Not nice," growled Croc, tugging awkwardly at his shirt.

"Well, you won't have to wear it for long," retorted Joker. "Now Crocky, we are clear on the rules of the game, right? Or do you need me to explain them one more time?"

Croc shook his head. "Are you sure?" pressed Joker. "What do you do with this when it comes flying toward you?" he asked, holding up the ball.

Croc stared blankly at it. "Um…eat it?" he asked.

Joker shrugged. "That'll do. Now, Harley, second base."

Harley stared at Joker in disbelief. "What…here…now, in front of everyone? Well, ok, Mr. J, I guess it's just nice you're in the mood," she said, shrugging as she began unbuttoning her top.

"He didn't mean that!" growled Ivy, grabbing her hand away. Well, it was Joker, so he might have, she thought, but she didn't want to see it. "He meant you're covering second base!"

Two-Face raised his hand. "Um…J…if you don't mind, I'd really like to take second base."

"Look, Harvey, I know you have this two fixation, but I desperately need a good pitcher and you're the only one I've got. Harley throws like a girl, as does Pammie, Croc thinks he's supposed to eat the ball, and the nerds throw worse than Pammie and Harley. You're really the only guy for the job."

"It's just…I'm not gonna be comfortable with someone else being on second," growled Two-Face. "It's really gonna bother me."

"Harvey, you can't live your life dominated by some ridiculous obsession," snapped Joker. "It's only for this one game, so just get over it, will ya? Are there any other questions?"

"Yes, why is our team name 'The Bats'?" asked Tetch, glancing at the bats embroidered onto the uniform.

"Because I said so," retorted Joker. "It's a baseball team, we use bats, it's a pun. Any other questions that aren't stupid?"

"Is Batman our mascot?" asked Ivy, sarcastically.

"I asked him, but he said no," replied Joker. "The guy's no fun, but we knew that. Here's the sheet – check your positions and get out there. And if we don't win I'm gonna personally disembowel each and every one of you. But of course have fun – that's the most important thing. Now Harley, come with me. We're gonna go run the bases."

"Oooh, puddin'!" giggled Harley, as he took her hand and dragged her outside.

"Do you think he meant…" began Two-Face.

"I think we all know what he meant," retorted Ivy, glancing at the sheet. "Let's just get outta here before Harley starts screaming."

"Oh, puddin'! That's it, Mr. J, that's it, oh, go for the grandslam! Oh yes, yes, yes, oh, c'mon, home run, baby! Home run…oh, Mr. J!"

"Too late," muttered Two-Face, shuddering.

"Where's the Joker?" asked Dr. Williams as the inmates came onto the field.

"He'll be here soon," replied Two-Face.

"Well, I'll tell you, Harvey, and you can pass it on," said Dr. Williams. "I think it goes without saying that I want a nice, fair game. I'm trusting you all enough to give you relative freedom and the ability to lead your own team, and I know you'll repay that trust by good sportsmanship and teamwork. I'm certain today will be full of good, clean, wholesome fun, no matter who wins and loses."

Two-Face stared at him. "Yeah…sure, Doc. Whatever you say," he replied.

"I knew I could count on you," said Dr. Williams, smiling. "Ah, here's Joker now. Shall we begin the game?"

"Ready when you are, Doc," said Joker, grinning. "Might wanna give Harley a few minutes to recover though."

"Recover? Is she sick?" asked Dr. Williams.

Joker giggled. "Yeah, she really is, Doc," he retorted. "That's why I love her."

Harley appeared on the field a moment later, limping slightly. She wasn't the only person limping – Crane and Nygma hobbled into the outfield, covered in bandages from their beatings. It wasn't the most promising baseball team by any means, thought Dr. Leland. She focused her attention back on Harley, who was chewing gum. She blew a bubble and then popped it, gazing at Joker. He smiled and nodded. She nodded too and then focused back on the game. Dr. Leland wondered what exactly they were up to, but she supposed she had no choice but to wait and see.

The inmates of Arkham Asylum were not athletes. But then neither were the doctors, so they were pretty evenly matched in terms of skill. And for the first inning, the game was fairly smooth. Dr. Leland was pleasantly surprised at the only incident being Killer Croc swallowing one of the baseballs that was hit in his direction, which Dr. Williams, as umpire, still ruled counted as an out. But in the second inning, the patients were on the offensive, and trouble was bound to start.

"Harley's batting first – she's good with bats," said Joker, handing her the bat. "Good thing I'm not a jealous kinda guy," he giggled.

"J, you make one more pun about bats and Batman, and I'll beat you," growled Ivy.

Joker grinned. "I do enjoy being beaten by bats!" he chuckled.

Ivy grabbed the bat from Harley and began hitting Joker with it. "Red, no!" shrieked Harley, grabbing it back from her.

"Since you're so eager to hit things, Pammie, you can go second," said Joker, grinning.

"I'm batting second," growled Two-Face. "Things involving twos are mine, get it?"

"You'll always be number two to me, Harvey," replied Joker, grinning. "Ok, nerdlingers, you're going last. And remember what happens if you miss the ball."

"J, why are you putting us through this?" asked Crane. "It's torturous!"

"Yeah, it _is_ fun," agreed Joker. "Glad you're finally starting to enjoy the game, Professor."

"I don't understand why we have to keep playing this stupid game," retorted Tetch. "We are going to break out, aren't we? Let's just end this ridiculous charade and do it!"

Joker stared at him. "Break out?" he repeated. "We're not gonna break out – we're gonna play to the seventh inning! Then we're gonna break out! I've got a gag all set up, but it hinges on the seventh inning stretch, and you losers are not going to ruin that for me!"

"Oh, for God's sake!" exclaimed Nygma. "All this for a stupid joke! It doesn't even matter!"

Joker punched him in the face. "Don't you ever say that again!" he hissed. "Don't you dare! Doesn't even matter…nothing else in this world matters but the jokes! I thought you of all people would understand that, Riddle-boy."

"Are you comparing your ridiculous, pointless, and stupid set-ups to my impossibly intelligent challenges?" demanded Nygma.

Joker snorted. "Yeah, right. I hear Bats sends the Boy Wonder to solve your riddles since he can't be bothered wasting his time on you."

"That's a lie and you know it!" growled Nygma. "Though the last time he stopped by Arkham, I did hear the Dark Knight Detective say you'd become predictable."

Joker stared at him. "Predictable? Me? Bats wouldn't say that about me. Why don't you stop putting words in his mouth, Eddie, before I carve you a new one?"

"Ladies, I'm sure your boyfriend loves both of you equally," retorted Ivy. "Now can we get out there and play some ball?"

"I ain't one to keep a dame from her fun," replied Joker, grinning. "And I know you just can't keep your hands off bats, can you, Pammie?"

Ivy tried to grab the bat away from Harley again, but she ripped it away from her and marched onto the field.

"She's got a good arm, I'll say that for her," commented Ivy, as Harley hit a line drive down center field.

"Yeah, I'm sometimes surprised by how strong she is," replied Joker, grinning. "And she's got the stamina to boot, if you know what I mean."

"I wish I didn't," replied Ivy.

"Harvey, batter up!" called Joker.

As Two-Face was about to hit the ball, Harley rushed to steal second, sliding onto it just before Dr. Bryan caught the ball. "Out," said Dr. Williams, firmly.

"Ump, are you blind?!" shouted Joker. "Cause you will be real soon! She's safe!"

"She's out," repeated Dr. Williams, firmly.

"I ain't out!" shrieked Harley. "Johnny saw it – I ain't out, am I, Johnny?"

"I do think she's safe, Dr. Williams," said Dr. Bryan.

"I don't," retorted Dr. Williams. "And I don't approve of stealing bases anyway. We shouldn't be encouraging that kind of behavior."

"It's allowed in the rules!" shouted Joker. "And if you ain't gonna play by the rules, Doc, then neither am I."

"She's out, Joker," he repeated firmly.

Joker glared at him as Harley returned to the dugout. "Don't worry, pooh bear, we'll make 'em pay," he growled. "That was a real pretty steal, too."

"Yeah, Mr. J?" said Harley, beaming. "Well, I don't mind that I'm out then, as long as you're happy, sweetie," she breathed, kissing him.

"Do I look happy?" he demanded. "That's one of my best players out. At least Harvey's made it to first. C'mon, Pammie, hit it hard! Pretend the ball's my face! Atta girl!"

Two-Face and Ivy both made it to home, thanks in large part to Croc, who batted after them, and who managed to send both the bat and the ball flying into the stands. The other two outs were supplied by Crane and Nygma, who struck out, ending the second inning.

By the seventh inning, Dr. Leland was still on edge. The only major incident that had occurred so far was when Two-Face suddenly stopped pitching and randomly shoved Harley off second base, shouting that he was covering it now, and then started attacking anyone who tried to make him move off it. This resulted in Croc taking his place as pitcher, with mixed results. Occasionally he pitched a good ball, but most of the time his aim was off, if he even managed to pitch in the right direction, and he ended up wounding a few of the doctors. And then the seventh inning arrived.

Dr Leland had kept her eyes on Harley, who was now covering third base. She suddenly looked at her, and popped her gum again. Dr. Leland froze, realizing that that was the signal. Dr. Bryan had realized it too, and pulled her behind the dugout. Before Dr. Leland could wonder if they should warn the others, Joker strode onto the field with a bat in his hand.

"All right, everyone, time for the seventh inning stretch!" he exclaimed, grinning. "Is everybody ready to sing along? Help me conduct this, would you, guys? Grab bats, and I don't mean the Dork Knight Detective!"

The inmates all seized bats, and the doctors remaining on the field began to realize something was wrong. "What is the meaning of this?" asked Dr. Williams.

"Like I said, seventh inning stretch," replied Joker, grinning at him. "Me and rest of the guys wanna flex our muscles a little. I wouldn't fight back if I were you – the pain will stop a lot sooner if you don't."

"I don't understand," said Dr. Williams, surprised. "I trusted you all enough to give you relative freedom and respect, not locking you up and treating you like animals, but giving you the ability to work together and build self-esteem. And you repay that with violence and mayhem?"

Joker shrugged. "Whaddya expect, Doc? We're homicidal crazies – violence and mayhem's kinda our natural response to most things. But y'know, you're right," he said, quietly. "You've trusted us enough to respect us, to treat us like sane adults, and to give us access to these weapons and not break out."

He paused for a moment, then his face lit up in a grin. "Sucker!" he shouted, striking Dr. Williams across the face. "Sing along, guys!" he cried as he beat him with the bat. "Break me out at the ballgame, send me out in the crowd! Gimme a smile and a bone-crushing bat, Bats himself won't be bringing me back! And it's root, root, root for the inmates, if they don't win, it's a shame. Cause it's one, two, three strikes you're out at the old ballgame!"

He laughed maniacally as he continued to beat him, while the other inmates attacked the other doctors. When they were all either dead or unconscious, Two-Face shouted, "C'mon, J, let's beat it!"

"You guys go on ahead," chuckled Joker. "Harley and I have a little routine to do. All right, Harley, you ready? Who's on first?"


	4. Chapter 4

"You know the Abbott and Costello routine, right?" Dr. Leland asked Batman. "_Who's on First?_"

"I've heard of it," replied Batman.

"Joker and Harley did the whole thing. Except they tied the doctors to the bases, and blew them up during the pauses. Joker thought it was hysterical."

"I imagine he would," retorted Batman.

"And then they ran off after the others. Dr. Bryan and me were lucky to escape with our lives. If Harley hadn't warned us…"

"It's best not to think about that," interrupted Batman. He sighed heavily. "So much death and destruction. It's really hard to take sometimes."

"We did try to warn him," murmured Dr. Bryan. "It was a foolish idea."

"Yes," agreed Batman. "I suppose it is foolish to hope they'll ever change. But equally we can't just accept their insanity. We have to keep trying, even if it doesn't make a difference. There's no other choice."

Dr. Leland nodded. "You'll find them, won't you?" she asked. "And bring them back?"

"I always do," replied Batman. "Thank you for your help, Dr. Leland. See you soon."

He jumped out the window into the night sky. Dr. Leland watched him. "Do you ever wonder if we're all just crazy?" she murmured. "Y'know, to keep doing the same thing over and over and hoping things will be different this time? Isn't that the definition of insanity?"

Dr. Bryan shrugged. "Since sane methods haven't helped them, insane ones can't hurt, can they?"

"Well, when you put it like that," she sighed. "I guess the mayor will have to bring another miracle worker in to help cure the inmates."

"I doubt there will be many volunteers after this," replied Dr. Bryan. "But whatever happens…"

"Keep calm and make the best of it," agreed Dr. Leland. "Yeah, I know."

**The End**


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